Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
