I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
