I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
