fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Are we still banned from the library?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
