I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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