Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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