I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There are leaves in my underwear?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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