I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
