In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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