i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
