had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
