So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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