Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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