I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
