I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
the condom got lost in my hair
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
