Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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