I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
