then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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