So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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