i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
