i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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