imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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