So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
