i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
