broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
