I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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