oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My vagina is very pro this idea
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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