I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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