I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
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We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.