everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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