Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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