I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
