nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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