You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My dick has a subreddit
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
