I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
