Michael Bay diarrhea
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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