You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
