I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
