I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I did not marry a roomba.
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