you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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