I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
