Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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