So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
