i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
