I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
