um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
