Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
