....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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