he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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