I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
