The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
