I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
