I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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