There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
