You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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