Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
