I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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