your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
