dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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