Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
His nipple licking is glorious
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