i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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