Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
